The job search has not been going very well, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm getting very discouraged. School begins on Monday in NYC, and here I am with no music teaching position, stuck in a dead-end job at a daycare center, forced to make decisions and plans that are not going to benefit my career in the long run.

You see if I can't find a job by the time Sept 9th rolls around, I must register to take a college course so that I can keep my menial job at the daycare. They require all "group teachers" (that's me) to have or be working towards earning their Masters degree in Early Childhood Education. Problem! My degree is under music education. When the center hired me it was under the condition that I would work towards getting an early childhood education degree. Ugh. My year is up. I must return to college if I haven't been swept under the wing of the NYC Board of Education. Time is running out.

I can't honestly see myself working at the center for another year. We get almost no vacation days. Only 2 days off for Christmas. They throw a tantrum (like only a 3 year old knows how) if you call out sick or ask for vacation. They don't allow you to actually teach the children either, which is a huge concern. I've been told that I'm not to teach these four and five year olds how to hold a pencil, write their name, or learn to spell words. Unless, of course, I can do so through finger-painting, drawing letters in the sandbox, or putting on puppet shows. Well I have news for them. If I stay there another year, my class is going to learn something, even if that means breaking their stupid rules. They're only hurting the children anyway.

My life is in such an uproar right now. I look back on my parents lives when I was young, and I don't ever remember them having to deal with so much drama. They may well have been great at hiding the trials and tribulations, but they always seemed happy for the most part. I, on the other hand, am living in a swirling haze of nothingness. I'm not teaching music like I was supposed to be doing, no husband or children to speak of, not even a puppy to love. Discouraged Virgos are very dangerous. And prone to ulcers.

I feel as though looking for a job isn't good enough. At the end of the day when I sit down and say to myself "I've called fifteen schools, and they all responded 'position filled' or 'no position available' " I feel like I've failed. Yeah, I know I haven't. I have a job. I have friends. I have a great family. All counting on me, supporting me, (well except for the current job) and I don't want to let them, or myself, down. Being turned away from school after school gives you that... let down feeling.

When was it that we all were brainwashed with the concept that a person's worth or successfulness is determined by career status and annual income, as opposed to whether they were happy in life, was raising a family, had good friends, was trustworthy, etc?

I need to go back to that time.