Monday

I'll admit it. I'm absolutely Obsessed with M*A*S*H*. In NYC I used to stay up until 3am on the weekends just so that I could watch the show (which only played on Friday and Saturday night at 2am).

Now that I'm back in Florida, M*A*S*H* can be found on the television multiple hours a day. I found the list below on the site linked above. Let's see how many of these I can check off.

You know you watch too much M*A*S*H when...

  • you've seen every episode at least 10 times.
  • you can't go a day without watching M*A*S*H.
  • you make chopper noises in your sleep.
  • you wear army fatigues and you're not even in the army.
  • you named your room "The Swamp"
  • you refer to your dining room as the mess tent.
  • you tell your kids there's a mine field in the backyard.
  • you plan a trip to Tokyo on your day off.
  • you name your kids Trapper and Hawkeye.
  • you start dreaming about it at night.
  • at dinner, you request "2 units of liver and fish - STAT."
  • you pay $50 bucks to have your phone number changed so the last 4 numbers are "4077"
  • you can't look at nearby mountains without humming "Suicide is Painless" and waiting for the choppers to show up
  • you're at the hospital and you look for nurses named Margaret and doctors named Hawkeye
  • the theme song brings a tear to your eye.
  • you're a man who walks around in a dress begging for a section eight and your not even in the army.
  • you walk across the street wearing a red bathrobe looking for the showers.
  • you wear a cowboy hat with your tuxedo
  • you cry whenever you see the last episode of M*A*S*H and just wish it wouldn't finish.
  • every time you hear a helicopter you look to the sky and wonder why you don't hear music.
  • you ask the waitress where the men's latrine is.
  • when you hear the weatherman say the word "Radar" you quickly look at the TV and are disappointed to see the regular weatherman.
  • you swear that martinis are your favorite drink ...and you've never had one.
  • you build a still from memory.
  • you call your boss 'colonel' and salute him/her.
  • you call your local pub 'the officers club'.
  • you order a jeep instead of a taxi.
  • you expect the incoming bus to be full of wounded but is instead full of passengers.
  • in a restaurant or at home, you want your meal served on a tray instead of plates.
  • you answer phone calls with '4077th MASH' instead of 'Hello'.
  • you smell all your food before you eat it.
  • you install a loudspeaker in your home to communicate with the family.
  • you yell, "mail call," when the mail is delivered.
  • when you sign your name in all capitals with asterisks between each letter.
  • when you look at your husbands combat boots and they remind you of Hawkeye's'
  • when you sign your checks with Alan Alda or you sign your name as a person from the show.
  • when you call the Operator and ask "Sparky" to place a stateside call and offer him a can of chipped beef if he'll do it.
  • when you have your own still in the living room
  • when you say "Ahhh, Bach" whenever you hear classic music
  • when everything seems to be "highly significant"
  • when you see a horse and you wonder if her name is Sophie.
  • when you swear you say H.E. double toothpicks.
  • when you walk into a bar and order a Grape Ne-Hi
  • when your convinced suicide IS painless.
  • when you start naming inanimate objects after characters.
  • when someone makes a joke, you say that you're not in the mood for "jocularity."
  • when your wardrobe consists of nothing but Hawaiian shirts.
  • when you refer to your knife and fork as a scalpel and retractor.
  • whenever you ask for time off work, you ask for a weekend pass in Tokyo.
  • when you only feel comfortable making out in a supply room.
  • you never stop bitching about the food whenever you're at an all-you-can-eat-buffet.
  • you talk about M*A*S*H in your sleep
  • you order 3 cases of chocolate at the finest chocolate makers in Boston every Christmas, even though you don't even live in Boston
  • your children have to watch M*A*S*H as a part of their education
  • you can't sleep if you haven't seen M*A*S*H that day
  • you turn on the tv and you expect to see M*A*S*H on, no matter what time it is
  • you expect everybody knows it and likes it
  • you refuse to carry a gun, even if no-one expects you to do so
  • you can't make out without watching M*A*S*H
  • you hang a sign on your door saying: 'the swamp' or 'major M.Houlihan, knock before entering'
  • you sleep with a teddy bear, which you got from your brother, who was a box boy in a supermarket.
  • you are disappointed when you run into a priest that doesn't box
  • you refuse to wear your captain's bars, even though you haven't got any
  • you complain about being drafted, even though you're not in the army.
  • you know the serial numbers of all the M*A*S*H characters by heart.
  • you wear dog tags with your or a character's name, rank, blood group, and serial number.
  • your room is decorated with pictures from M*A*S*H.
  • you pay a million bucks to have a Korean houseboy called Ho-Jon
  • you drink 2 martini's for breakfast
  • you spend the last half-hour making up dumb obsessions for the M*A*S*H-homepage
  • you refuse to respond to anything but Hawkeye or Hot Lips
  • you take cold showers for the fun of it
  • you call the bar tender Rosie
  • you call your waiter Igor
  • you call every receptionist Radar or Klinger
  • you wear combat boots with everything you own and you wear them wherever you go
  • you have a tower of tongue depressors on display in your living room
  • you have sock puppets that look like all the characters
  • if, to punish your children, instead of sending them to their room, you 'confine them to quarters.'
  • instead of quitting your job, you say you resign your commission.
  • if you record the episodes on audio tape and play them in the car while driving.
  • when you swear you have an imaginary friend named "Tuttle"
  • when you call all the people you don't like "Ferret-Face".
  • When you put your clothes in a footlocker at the bottom of your bed instead of in the dresser.
  • when you set up a tent in your bedroom equipped with cots, a still, and a few roommates and call it the swamp.
  • why you keep wondering if your money is counterfeit because it green and not red.
  • you wear fishing lures on every hat you own.
  • you brush your teeth with water you pour into a helmet.
  • instead of taking the promotion at work from bag boy to Manager, you tell your boss, "just promote me to Corporal Captain, and we'll call it even."
  • you're fired at air traffic control for re-routing all planes because of sightings of a large bird with pink feet in the area.
  • If you call your mom 'Hotlips' and your father 'Frank'
  • when you are sleep-deprived from staying up until 1am every night just to see an episode you've already seen 5 times.
  • you look to buy stock in a company called 'Pioneer Aviation'
  • while ordering breakfast at the local diner you say, 'I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of WW2 surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.'
  • you no longer watch tv since your station stopped showing M*A*S*H
  • you cringe when you hear the name Frank
  • you eat SPAM even though you don't like it and aren't forced to eat it
  • if no matter who you're writing to, your letters all begin with "Dear Sigmund".
  • you know you're obsessed when you spend your vacation watching your uncles MASH videos because you don't have a station near your house that carries it.
  • you yell "incoming" when your mother-in-law comes to visit (lol!!!!)
  • your ultimate dream is to be able to turn on the t.v. at anytime and have a M*A*S*H episode be on.
  • if you had enough money, you would buy a t.v. station and create the M*A*S*H channel, all M*A*S*H, all the time.
  • When you begin to call your friends "B.J.", "Trapper", "Radar", or "Margaret".
  • you holler at the waiter for telling you the day's specials are liver and fish
  • you dress in Army green pants and either a Hawaiian shirt or khaki T-shirt everyday
  • your last wish is to be buried with a copy of GFA
  • you'll do anything to see a movie called "The Moon is Blue"
  • you'll only eat if the recipe came from "Secrets of the M*A*S*H Mess"
  • When you begin to refer to you parents as "Colonel Father, sir" and "Major Mom, ma'am".
  • if you know a five letter Yiddish word for bedbug.
  • when you see a sign that says "Speed checked by radar" and you start looking for a short guy wearing glasses....
  • when you haven't left your seat for a couple weeks because you keep watching MASH videos
  • when you use bedpans instead of toilets in your house
  • when you download every MASH sound off of the internet
  • when you insist on using your brother Wendal's birth certificate to get drafted
  • when you have a servant that you insist on calling Young-Hi
  • when you mail a jeep piece by piece to anywhere in the world
  • You went out and bought a copy of 'The Last of the Mohicans' just to add to your MASH related video (or book) collection.
  • you let your son name his ferret Frank.
  • you actually sat and watched EVERY episode of MASH in order from start to finish in a single sitting.
  • whenever you hear the term "chief surgeon" or "head nurse", you immediately think of Hawkeye or Margaret
  • when you dig foxholes in your yard in case of an air-raid
  • when the sound of a sputtering airplane scares you because you think it's 5 o'clock Charlie
  • if you actually made it to the end of this list...

    It's 6pm! Time for M*A*S*H*!

  • 2 Comments:

    Blogger Mammaw said...

    Golly! That's a long list, and I didn't make it to the end! But I get the idea. I live with a M*A*S*H watcher so I'm forced to watch. Got to admit, it's a good show and they just don't make them like that anymore. What a shame.
    I can, however, make it through the day (and the night) even if I miss the show...so I guess I'm not addicted.

    March 06, 2006 9:51 PM  
    Blogger chrsblck said...

    i indeed am a fan, but what bothers me, they were on for like 12 years and if i remember correctly the korean war was only 3 or so years long. i think alan alda had a time machine or something

    March 07, 2006 1:02 PM  

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